I'm glad he won't remember this...

Spring Picture Day 2013 - My favorite Boy

One of the things I've found that really knocks me out of my comfort zone is the phrase, "I'm glad they won't remember this..."

I usually hear it in reference to parents disagreeing over child-rearing tactics while their kids are still crawling, drooling, and oblivious.

But it's one of the many things I can never utter. E will always remember.

Being an 8-year-old, he is currently gathering memories and feelings to keep forever. I don't remember specifics about being eight. I'm sure I could come up with some stories, especially if I had my memory jogged by looking at awkwardly awesome photographs from the 90's. However, if I think back to my childhood, I can definitely remember when my parents argued, how much they argued (thankfully not that much), and how it was resolved or wasn't. I especially remember the feeling I felt when they didn't get along perfectly.

Keeping that in mind, I assume that arguments Tyler and I have will be logged in his memory, and whether he remembers them specifically or remembers the feelings he felt when we argued, it doesn't matter.

I want Tyler and I to suddenly be able to disagree with each other, argue well, never lose our temper, and quickly make-up with much grace and forgiveness, for our own sake as well as E's sake.

How Tyler and I respond to each other will influence how E responds to us. We don't have 3-4 years of parenting before our child remembers what we say or the general tone of the household. We have a child who says, "Please get along," when we barely discuss things and aren't even upset with each other or offended.

It's also problematic if we just get along to get along. If we disagree on something and don't address it in front of E, but only wait until later to discuss, then he will never learn conflict resolution. If we resolve our conflict, he will learn how to resolve conflict as well.

If we just put it off until later, when he's sound asleep in his renovated attic bedroom, then he misses out on great opportunities to learn. But I know there is a fine line in him seeing conflict resolution and him seeing my own anger and control-freak issues coming to light when Tyler parents differently (and obviously incorrectly) from my own preferences.

If I don't show Tyler respect, E will never show Tyler respect. E follows what I model.

So the newly-wed, quick goals for parenting are:
1. When disagreement arises, if the material is suitable, let E hear some disagreement
2. Make sure if E does hear disagreement, to resolve is ASAP (also in front of him)
3. If I don't agree with Tyler's decision-making at all in regard to E, zip my lip and save it so E will respect Tyler(this is the hardest by far)
4. Love, Mercy, Grace, Forgiveness, Sympathy, Compassion - These are words to live out daily as I interact with my family. They are words I hope my family will remember when interacting with me.

Let's Be Honest - We do well to simply wait for it.

I meant to write this post yesterday (or 2 days ago) but one thing led to another and then a German student stayed with us and we had a Christmas party, so I was a busy cleaner and chef. But the words are as true today as they were on December 11.

Tyler was not my type when we met. Let's be honest. We both thought the other was weird and would have never considered dating each other. It was the nose ring vs. the fauxhawk. I was the bohemian girl who wore crazy clothes, didn't eat meat, and had the kid, and he was the IT guy. He wore Sperry's and put product in his hair. Meanwhile, I considered dreads.

Tyler 2008

Melissa 2008

For so long, when E was a baby, and really even after I met Tyler, I coveted and so desired to have exactly what I have right now: a husband and family. And so, in all of my foolishness, I decided to go about trying to make it happen on my own. Of course, I believed I knew exactly what I needed and what type of person I needed to love E and me. I was vain and proud, seeking my own happiness and E's as well by looking for me a man. 

I dated a handful or more guys who, if honest, I knew we're not exactly what God had planned for the situation. Looking back, I did this for two reasons.
1. It was a momentary bandaid on my heart desiring and coveting what I didn't have at the moment.
2. When it didn't work out with these guys, I could get over it easily and move on, you know, self-protection.
Lydia Brownback's words come to mind. When wisdom isn't clear, "we do well to simply wait for it."

It may come as a surprise, but the handful of guys didn't make me feel better. In fact, after every guy I dated, I felt emptier than I had previously felt and more and more hopeless that I would ever get married (Yes, I was young. I do not pretend I spent a large part of my adult life single. I do not know what that longing is like. I do know what it is like to have a child and long for a husband though.).

Disclaimer. Not all the guys I met were awful. Some were really great and will be or are wonderful husbands, but they were not what was planned for me. And even when what God planned for me came into view, I initially rejected it.

Even after Tyler and I became friends and it was obvious there was some kind of attraction between us, I kept trying to reject what God had for me. I knew exactly how it was to play out. Tyler realized before I did and patiently and persistently pursued me, desiring God's best for me and loving me every step of the way.

It took me so long to rest in the truth of the last 1.5 years. I'm daily reminded of how much I do not deserve Tyler and how much God brought me through in order to prepare me for marriage to him. I was reminded of this because of a quote from David Macintyre I found in Melissa Kruger's book, The Envy Of Eve. I know, I'm cringing at the idea of not using an original source, but I had to give Melissa K. props for her book because its amazing and challenging and frustrating and liberating all rolled into one. Here is David Macintyre's quote:

"Much, very much, has often to be accomplished in us before we are fitted to employ worthily the gifts we covet. And God effects this preparation of heart largely by delaying to grant our request at once, and so holding us in the truth of His presence until we are brought into a spiritual understanding of the will of Christ for us in this respect."

God's sovereignty amazes me. He must have been watching me run around like a madwoman, trying to set up, figure out, and play house like an adult. All the while, He knew exactly where Tyler was, what he was doing, and how he was going to meet me. Tyler interjected into my life at the most unexpected moment, the moment when I thought I had it figured out and under control.

When I finally saw Tyler exactly as he is, exactly how God had brought him into my life, it was a slap across the face. I realize now my idol may have been my desire for control over my family situation.

Of course, my dad later said the day he met Tyler, he knew Tyler would be very important to our family. Oh Dad, of course you knew and of course you didn't tell me because I would have run away from what you said at that point.

My marriage with Tyler has already proven to be a beautiful orchestration by God of right timing amidst hearts not even listening to the same song.


Kruger, Melissa. The Envy of Eve. Ross-shire, Scotland: Christian Focus Publications, 2012: 68.