Let's Be Honest - We do well to simply wait for it.

I meant to write this post yesterday (or 2 days ago) but one thing led to another and then a German student stayed with us and we had a Christmas party, so I was a busy cleaner and chef. But the words are as true today as they were on December 11.

Tyler was not my type when we met. Let's be honest. We both thought the other was weird and would have never considered dating each other. It was the nose ring vs. the fauxhawk. I was the bohemian girl who wore crazy clothes, didn't eat meat, and had the kid, and he was the IT guy. He wore Sperry's and put product in his hair. Meanwhile, I considered dreads.

Tyler 2008

Melissa 2008

For so long, when E was a baby, and really even after I met Tyler, I coveted and so desired to have exactly what I have right now: a husband and family. And so, in all of my foolishness, I decided to go about trying to make it happen on my own. Of course, I believed I knew exactly what I needed and what type of person I needed to love E and me. I was vain and proud, seeking my own happiness and E's as well by looking for me a man. 

I dated a handful or more guys who, if honest, I knew we're not exactly what God had planned for the situation. Looking back, I did this for two reasons.
1. It was a momentary bandaid on my heart desiring and coveting what I didn't have at the moment.
2. When it didn't work out with these guys, I could get over it easily and move on, you know, self-protection.
Lydia Brownback's words come to mind. When wisdom isn't clear, "we do well to simply wait for it."

It may come as a surprise, but the handful of guys didn't make me feel better. In fact, after every guy I dated, I felt emptier than I had previously felt and more and more hopeless that I would ever get married (Yes, I was young. I do not pretend I spent a large part of my adult life single. I do not know what that longing is like. I do know what it is like to have a child and long for a husband though.).

Disclaimer. Not all the guys I met were awful. Some were really great and will be or are wonderful husbands, but they were not what was planned for me. And even when what God planned for me came into view, I initially rejected it.

Even after Tyler and I became friends and it was obvious there was some kind of attraction between us, I kept trying to reject what God had for me. I knew exactly how it was to play out. Tyler realized before I did and patiently and persistently pursued me, desiring God's best for me and loving me every step of the way.

It took me so long to rest in the truth of the last 1.5 years. I'm daily reminded of how much I do not deserve Tyler and how much God brought me through in order to prepare me for marriage to him. I was reminded of this because of a quote from David Macintyre I found in Melissa Kruger's book, The Envy Of Eve. I know, I'm cringing at the idea of not using an original source, but I had to give Melissa K. props for her book because its amazing and challenging and frustrating and liberating all rolled into one. Here is David Macintyre's quote:

"Much, very much, has often to be accomplished in us before we are fitted to employ worthily the gifts we covet. And God effects this preparation of heart largely by delaying to grant our request at once, and so holding us in the truth of His presence until we are brought into a spiritual understanding of the will of Christ for us in this respect."

God's sovereignty amazes me. He must have been watching me run around like a madwoman, trying to set up, figure out, and play house like an adult. All the while, He knew exactly where Tyler was, what he was doing, and how he was going to meet me. Tyler interjected into my life at the most unexpected moment, the moment when I thought I had it figured out and under control.

When I finally saw Tyler exactly as he is, exactly how God had brought him into my life, it was a slap across the face. I realize now my idol may have been my desire for control over my family situation.

Of course, my dad later said the day he met Tyler, he knew Tyler would be very important to our family. Oh Dad, of course you knew and of course you didn't tell me because I would have run away from what you said at that point.

My marriage with Tyler has already proven to be a beautiful orchestration by God of right timing amidst hearts not even listening to the same song.


Kruger, Melissa. The Envy of Eve. Ross-shire, Scotland: Christian Focus Publications, 2012: 68.

Let's Be Honest - Adventure Shoes

Adventure Shoes

Imagine me, 10-years-old, sitting on the bed at my grandmother's house, surrounded by all of her old gadgets, books, and nostalgia from many trips abroad. I'm writing, speculating, pretending I'm on an adventure. Of course, in my imagination I'm twenty or twenty-three, independent but not old. I imagine the storyline of some book or two I've been reading. I am free to travel whenever, wherever I want. I am intelligent and can solve mysteries and quarries between people. My adventure begins in the woods, in a setting much like the woods in this music video. I spend most of my time outdoors and reside in a cute little loft or cottage, which is always clean and well-stocked with food. My independence allows me to be free to roam. I see myself alone, capable and the only decision maker. I have no friends but only because I don't want them. I am in complete control.

Fast forward 15 years. I am here right now, sitting alone in my unkempt house, only half-decorated for Christmas. I am imagining, speculating, pretending. I'm writing an adventure I remember from my snap-shot memory. My childhood comes back to haunt and play with me. I'm captured by memories of sitting by the river, my toes in the cold water, flying down hills on a bike without any regard to my brakes. I flicker back and forth between Christmases and birthday parties, friends and travel with my parents. I thrive on muddy shoes, wet hair, and early morning hours. My hands bear marks of assignments and phone numbers in colored ink. I hope for macaroni and cheese for dinner each night and scoff at broccoli and spinach. My adventure shoes carry me places I now, as an adult, am no longer permitted to go. 

I imagine:
15-years in the future, I am the mother of a brood, owner of a chaotic, but friendly house. I find peace in quiet, sunlight across the hardwood floors, a cup of coffee, and a few moments of unabashed girl-talk with a heart friend. I balance my housework with writing. I write about my glory days, back when I was young and newly married, before I had a house, a mortgage, a large group of children constantly hungry. I write about the time when I was able to invest time in myself, my looks, my hobbies. I had time for the self, or much more than I now have. I write about the long weekend holiday getaways. I'm nostalgic about the couples I see, walking down the street still holding hands (though I'm entirely tempted to run them over with my car). I'm nostalgic when I see people moving into townhouses with their wedding gifts in tow, couples beginning the adventure of setting up house together, learning to fight and to forgive, to hold their tongues and to speak calmly.

Why do we always find the adventure in others' lives and our memories or future goals when we have moments to experience right now?

My adventure shoes, and my two favorite companions, are waiting for me right now. My end goal? Who knows, but we will adventure together.

I don't agree with this completely, but i do think we get caught up in the "end goal."

Let's Be Honest - Hard Situations & Pity/Pride

2006

The last nine years of my life haven't been easy, by any stretch of the imagination. Three months after I graduated from high school, I had E. The day I had E, I started classes at a local college. Four years after I had E, I graduated from Francis Marion University. Then, after a stint as a butcher shop worker, I moved E out of our comfort zone. We moved 3.5 hours away from my parents and lived on our own in a tiny little place in Clemson, South Carolina. Two years later, I graduated from graduate school with a Master's degree in English. One month later, Tyler and I got married, and E and I once again moved, but to a new city, state, and family.

I don't say all of this to build myself up. I say it to explain what I'm learning about the last nine years. I try and live in my own strength. Growing up, our family motto was from 2 Thessalonians 3:10b — "If you don't work, you don't eat." Well, the actual verse is, "If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat," but my dad always referenced it the first way. I agree with this statement, but in some ways, I made it my mantra to get through life. I took a good thing and made it an idol.

I've always been able to scrape through these situations, or so I tell myself. I'd tell myself I've been strong through our house burning down, I've been strong through being a pregnant teen, I've been strong through school, grad. school, and I've been strong as a single parent.

But the truth is, I've been lonely. I've been hopeless. I've felt trapped. If anyone has been strong, it hasn't been me. If I've made it through the last nine years, and I have, it hasn't been because of my abilities or strengths, but because God, in his ever amazing providence and love, has carried and guided me through that time, as well as providing an amazing structure of community through my parents and a few friends. But only now am I allowing myself to see this. I counted all my goals met and degrees earned, all the compliments to E's personality as my ability to parent as a single mom, as my own ability. It made me proud as if I were the one who did so well.

And I was proud. I was proud I was able to walk through the halls of my school, when fellow students would turn around and look at me as if I was so much different than they were. I was proud I could answer questions about my future and my baby when people finally got the nerve up to ask when I'd wear maternity clothes or what I was going to do the next year (I certainly wasn't going away to school as I had hoped).  Later, I was proud to be able to juggle parenting, a full-load at college, and at times, two part-time jobs. I was proud I could tell the older women I saw that yes, he was my child. Yes, I did look like I was a teenager because I was a teenager. I was proud I could bite my tongue anytime someone stereotyped teen moms as rednecks and people who would never go anywhere in life.

But that pride also evaporated into pity. For the last nine years, I've swung back and forth on a pendulum between pride in myself and self-pity because of my situation. I was accomplishing so much on the surface, and yet during the nights of being alone in the quiet of the dawn with a screaming baby, in the grumblings of my heart when I saw friends' "normal" lives, I threw a giant pity-party. I demanded of God, "why me?" Why was I punished for a sin that so many commit? Why did I have to deal with so much on my own? Of course, I didn't listen for any kind of answers, but continued on my way as if God didn't answer.

Don't misunderstand. I have always loved E. From the moment I knew he existed, and I always knew it was a "he," I have loved him. In all of my self-pity, I have loved him. But I have also been selfish, thinking that I was the one who "got caught."

This pride/pity thrived on my selfishness, as if I deserved something greater than what I was experiencing. The difference between whether I was wearing Pride or Pity stemmed only from the circumstance, one that could change in the turn of a page or the cry of a child. As I responded to my situation, I never considered that my attitude, of all things, could actually be the problem. I never considered that the whole thing wasn't just about me and what I wanted, but rather what was best for me in the big picture of life. E has always been God's perfect plan for my life.

Pride and self-pity have controlled so much in the last nine years. They've prevented me from making no more than a few deep friendships. They've controlled how I respond to almost every situation. They have tormented me constantly. Yet, I clung to them as if they were the only thing that would get me through. I clung to myself, my constantly flawed and failing self. On the outside, I would say I knew God was in control. I would say I knew He had a plan for my life. But on the inside, I thought if I didn't work, if I didn't control it myself, then I would never get anywhere. My actions and thoughts reflected the lies I believed.

I am so thankful to see this selfishness exposed. I am so thankful to be moving past it. I am so thankful I don't have to do this on my own. I am so thankful for God's providence. I am so thankful to have Tyler. I am so thankful to have E.

2012

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." - Colossians 1:17

A life-giving song for the day.

Let's Be Honest - Social Media...Envy and Greed?

Photo by Tyler LaCross

Lately I find myself wanting more and more. I'm always thinking of what I need to buy in order to make our house more cozy, what I need to organize and clean (this is not always bad), and what I need to wear or match together to keep my style in line with what I prefer. I don't think I've always been this way or really believed these things matter.

I think the root of all these things is 1. Believing I need or deserve more than I have; and 2. Surrounding myself with and being gullible to believe social media knows more about my needs than I do.

I've grown to have such a love/hate relationship with Pinterest, Facebook, and Social Media in general. So says the girl writing about social media on her blog. I'm a hypocrite. Yes, I know.

Putting all of that irony aside, I love social media because it allows me to stay connected to people I value who live in other parts of the land or world. But at the same time, I often forget I'm connected to a world (online) where people have extreme control about who they portray themselves to be. While I do love keeping up with my friends, I need to be cautious about what information I allow to seep into my mind.

Often, people post really good or really bad things about life. Isn't this the way it always seems? When there are reviews online or in a magazine, it's either really good or really bad. No one ever cares enough to give a mediocre review for a hotel, restaurant, etc. It's only the people who are wowed or revolted. The same is true of social media. People post what great ideas they have/believe. They post new clothes, pictures of themselves doing something amazing, or new recipes they tried...

Wait, am I describing my own blog?

But so rarely is this a true picture of who they are as a person. And if I'm really honest with myself, this incomplete image of someone's life becomes a great breeding ground for discontentment, greed, and envy in my life.

I see it in the moments where I think:

"Ah. I wish I'd gotten to vacation this past week. Must be nice."

"Oh look..._(fill in name here)_ is pregnant. Everyone is pregnant these days. It's that stage of life...If only we were ready."

"Look at those amazing outfit combinations. Now, if I can go buy another gray scarf, this one lighter than my other gray scarf, and some darker brown boots than I can recreate this look."

The options are endless. I've chosen some randomly shallow examples, minus the baby example, but there are so many ways we desire what others have. However, that incomplete image of their lives takes away from my ability to love that person or care about them. When I envy or want what they have, I cannot see anything else about that person, their life, or what they are experiencing. I can't see pain, suffering, or a place where I can step in and be a friend. I can only see the extra money they have to fly to Hawaii or my own inability to pay for such a trip at this moment in life.

Even if I don't desire their possessions, but their happiness or their outlook on life, I can so easily run down the road of coveting what it is they have just because I compare my life to their incomplete image on Facebook.

It's easy for these social media desires to go unchecked. We simply justify our feelings and either:
1. Get addicted to that person's life and stalk them and their pictures regularly while feeling sorry for ourselves at the same time; or
2. Easily dislike someone we don't know really well without seeming to harm our relationship with that person

In real life, if we envy a friend, it doesn't take long before we see the repercussions of that envy in the way we treat them. We'll snap at any complaint they have or have little sympathy for them. And there is always the "one-up" on how bad our lives are. We simply won't love them well. But on Facebook or a blog, with someone we haven't seen since high school or have never met, it's a different story. It seems as though it wouldn't matter if we like the person or not. They aren't actually hurt by the situation. But our own hearts are not ok. Our own hearts are still crying out about how unfair life is or about our inability to control our own situations.

The truth is we aren't in control, not completely. We are limited by what we are able to do and how we are able to think. And our sinful desires, actions, and repercussions trip us up daily. They prevent us from moving forward and away from envying our neighbor or Facebook friend. Without God's grace and my daily awareness of this issue, I would become sad and bitter towards anyone whose situation seemed better than mine. But things are rarely what they seem. I am learning that every single day, and it is pure joy to be able to love other people wherever they are.