I'm glad he won't remember this...

Spring Picture Day 2013 - My favorite Boy

One of the things I've found that really knocks me out of my comfort zone is the phrase, "I'm glad they won't remember this..."

I usually hear it in reference to parents disagreeing over child-rearing tactics while their kids are still crawling, drooling, and oblivious.

But it's one of the many things I can never utter. E will always remember.

Being an 8-year-old, he is currently gathering memories and feelings to keep forever. I don't remember specifics about being eight. I'm sure I could come up with some stories, especially if I had my memory jogged by looking at awkwardly awesome photographs from the 90's. However, if I think back to my childhood, I can definitely remember when my parents argued, how much they argued (thankfully not that much), and how it was resolved or wasn't. I especially remember the feeling I felt when they didn't get along perfectly.

Keeping that in mind, I assume that arguments Tyler and I have will be logged in his memory, and whether he remembers them specifically or remembers the feelings he felt when we argued, it doesn't matter.

I want Tyler and I to suddenly be able to disagree with each other, argue well, never lose our temper, and quickly make-up with much grace and forgiveness, for our own sake as well as E's sake.

How Tyler and I respond to each other will influence how E responds to us. We don't have 3-4 years of parenting before our child remembers what we say or the general tone of the household. We have a child who says, "Please get along," when we barely discuss things and aren't even upset with each other or offended.

It's also problematic if we just get along to get along. If we disagree on something and don't address it in front of E, but only wait until later to discuss, then he will never learn conflict resolution. If we resolve our conflict, he will learn how to resolve conflict as well.

If we just put it off until later, when he's sound asleep in his renovated attic bedroom, then he misses out on great opportunities to learn. But I know there is a fine line in him seeing conflict resolution and him seeing my own anger and control-freak issues coming to light when Tyler parents differently (and obviously incorrectly) from my own preferences.

If I don't show Tyler respect, E will never show Tyler respect. E follows what I model.

So the newly-wed, quick goals for parenting are:
1. When disagreement arises, if the material is suitable, let E hear some disagreement
2. Make sure if E does hear disagreement, to resolve is ASAP (also in front of him)
3. If I don't agree with Tyler's decision-making at all in regard to E, zip my lip and save it so E will respect Tyler(this is the hardest by far)
4. Love, Mercy, Grace, Forgiveness, Sympathy, Compassion - These are words to live out daily as I interact with my family. They are words I hope my family will remember when interacting with me.

Let's Be Honest - Hard Situations & Pity/Pride

2006

The last nine years of my life haven't been easy, by any stretch of the imagination. Three months after I graduated from high school, I had E. The day I had E, I started classes at a local college. Four years after I had E, I graduated from Francis Marion University. Then, after a stint as a butcher shop worker, I moved E out of our comfort zone. We moved 3.5 hours away from my parents and lived on our own in a tiny little place in Clemson, South Carolina. Two years later, I graduated from graduate school with a Master's degree in English. One month later, Tyler and I got married, and E and I once again moved, but to a new city, state, and family.

I don't say all of this to build myself up. I say it to explain what I'm learning about the last nine years. I try and live in my own strength. Growing up, our family motto was from 2 Thessalonians 3:10b — "If you don't work, you don't eat." Well, the actual verse is, "If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat," but my dad always referenced it the first way. I agree with this statement, but in some ways, I made it my mantra to get through life. I took a good thing and made it an idol.

I've always been able to scrape through these situations, or so I tell myself. I'd tell myself I've been strong through our house burning down, I've been strong through being a pregnant teen, I've been strong through school, grad. school, and I've been strong as a single parent.

But the truth is, I've been lonely. I've been hopeless. I've felt trapped. If anyone has been strong, it hasn't been me. If I've made it through the last nine years, and I have, it hasn't been because of my abilities or strengths, but because God, in his ever amazing providence and love, has carried and guided me through that time, as well as providing an amazing structure of community through my parents and a few friends. But only now am I allowing myself to see this. I counted all my goals met and degrees earned, all the compliments to E's personality as my ability to parent as a single mom, as my own ability. It made me proud as if I were the one who did so well.

And I was proud. I was proud I was able to walk through the halls of my school, when fellow students would turn around and look at me as if I was so much different than they were. I was proud I could answer questions about my future and my baby when people finally got the nerve up to ask when I'd wear maternity clothes or what I was going to do the next year (I certainly wasn't going away to school as I had hoped).  Later, I was proud to be able to juggle parenting, a full-load at college, and at times, two part-time jobs. I was proud I could tell the older women I saw that yes, he was my child. Yes, I did look like I was a teenager because I was a teenager. I was proud I could bite my tongue anytime someone stereotyped teen moms as rednecks and people who would never go anywhere in life.

But that pride also evaporated into pity. For the last nine years, I've swung back and forth on a pendulum between pride in myself and self-pity because of my situation. I was accomplishing so much on the surface, and yet during the nights of being alone in the quiet of the dawn with a screaming baby, in the grumblings of my heart when I saw friends' "normal" lives, I threw a giant pity-party. I demanded of God, "why me?" Why was I punished for a sin that so many commit? Why did I have to deal with so much on my own? Of course, I didn't listen for any kind of answers, but continued on my way as if God didn't answer.

Don't misunderstand. I have always loved E. From the moment I knew he existed, and I always knew it was a "he," I have loved him. In all of my self-pity, I have loved him. But I have also been selfish, thinking that I was the one who "got caught."

This pride/pity thrived on my selfishness, as if I deserved something greater than what I was experiencing. The difference between whether I was wearing Pride or Pity stemmed only from the circumstance, one that could change in the turn of a page or the cry of a child. As I responded to my situation, I never considered that my attitude, of all things, could actually be the problem. I never considered that the whole thing wasn't just about me and what I wanted, but rather what was best for me in the big picture of life. E has always been God's perfect plan for my life.

Pride and self-pity have controlled so much in the last nine years. They've prevented me from making no more than a few deep friendships. They've controlled how I respond to almost every situation. They have tormented me constantly. Yet, I clung to them as if they were the only thing that would get me through. I clung to myself, my constantly flawed and failing self. On the outside, I would say I knew God was in control. I would say I knew He had a plan for my life. But on the inside, I thought if I didn't work, if I didn't control it myself, then I would never get anywhere. My actions and thoughts reflected the lies I believed.

I am so thankful to see this selfishness exposed. I am so thankful to be moving past it. I am so thankful I don't have to do this on my own. I am so thankful for God's providence. I am so thankful to have Tyler. I am so thankful to have E.

2012

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." - Colossians 1:17

A life-giving song for the day.

Julie Tringali's Theories for LEGOs

Over the last year, I've had the privilege of getting to know some great women at Uptown Church in Charlotte. One of those is Julie Tringali. I've enjoyed reading her blogs online, especially Simplify Your Life. Check out her blog for some stress saving ideas. 

I asked her to be a guest blogger about organization. I'm focusing on organization in my home this month (more on that later), and I wanted some of her great ideas especially regarding Ethan's mess of a room. Here's a post she wrote about LEGOs. Thanks Julie!

Julie Tringali, Simplify Your Life

Organizing the instruction manuals to the Legos are one thing. The actual Legos are apparently another. I have all girls. The ideas I'm about to give are not out of experience...so keep that in mind. But, hopefully these tips will help you find a great Lego system that works for you.

Tip 1: Don't sort by color or type. If I had Legos, this would be hard for me not to do. However, chances are they will just end up a big "mess" again...and all your sorting goes down the drain. Not only will all the Legos get unsorted, but I think the actual looking for the pieces is good for the child. It teaches them to discriminate between Legos that look very similar. And it makes the project take longer (and what parents doesn't want their child to work uninteruppted for a longer period of time?!). 

• Exception: When the Lego collector is older, it may be more helpful to sort by type. But for young kids - stay away from this hyper-vigilant organization. 
• Do sort by size. I can think of nothing more annoying (well, that's not entirely true) than needing to find a wheel in the midst of large pieces. So, do keep a bin to put the smaller items. A tackle box or bead box would work great for this and can be found at any craft store.
• You may also want to keep any people and people accessories in a box by themselves.

Tip 2: Have a "no more than" rule. Your child (husband, roommate, etc) can only have X number of Lego projects out at one time. Maybe that number is 2 if you're tight on space. Maybe it's 4. Not only will that help with not having an disorganized space, but it will teach kids to finish a project before moving onto the next.

Tip 3: Create a "My Creations" notebook. Instead of keeping every thing out that they have created from their Legos, take a picture of it and put it in a notebook. That way, they can dismantle it and reuse the pieces without losing their work.

Tip 4: Have a designated space for the creations they are working on, the ones that are finished but they don't want to dismantle, as well as the container of loose pieces. It may be an entire shelf on a bookcase. It may be the fireplace mantle. Be as strict or loose with that space depending on what works for your family. If it were me, I'd say no Legos in my room. Or the formal living room. Or the kitchen. Or the laundry room. You get the picture. Legos should stay in their space. 

Tip 5: Get creative on the space. Short on space? Think high and low. Is there room underneath the coffee table for a decorative basket that can hide Legos? Short on floor space? Can you hang some shelves on the wall? Or get bins that stack on top of each other. Haven't used that Fondue pot you got for your wedding? Hide some in there. Yes, I'm kidding about that one. Short on money? Use gallon size plastic bags to keep the sets organized. Go around your home and look at space differently and creatively. 

Tip 6: Train table. For kids who are aging out of train tables, convert it into a Lego table. Put the loose Legos in the bottom drawers and they can use the top to construct. 

Tip 7: Think and plan. Your storage and organization will depend on many factors, including (but not limited to!):

• How many Lego sets do you have? And how many Legos you have that don't even go to a set? Do your children like to be creative with all the pieces or do they tend to make the set over and over again without taking artistic liberty?
• Do you want to keep the sets together? Or is it okay to have them all in one bin?
• How much time is spent on playing Legos?
• Don't spend tons of money, time, and energy on something that rarely gets played with (unless you think that the lack of organization is the reason for the lack of playing!).
• What is your budget and what space limitations?

While researching for this post, I happened across a Wikihow post on different ways to store Legos. But before you buy any containers or start conceiving any grand storage solution ideas, be sure to answer the questions above to figure out to what extent you want to organize.

Happy constructing! Be sure to post comments below if you have a Lego organization that works for you! 

- Simplify Your Life.

Let's Be Honest

I read this quote the other day while prepping for the new school year:

Ethan, himself

"The effective teacher strives for purposeful movement toward a common end. You cannot control your students' minds without shutting them down. But you can lead them." - The Lost Tools of Writing

I stopped reading. I put down the book and walked away. I could not imagine that this quote would apply to me. Not about my students let's say, but my son. Let's face it,  I want to control my son's mind. I want to change the way he thinks, the decisions he makes, and sometimes how he respects others. It's that moment when we're in public and he starts dancing like a wild man or rolls his eyes and has a sassy moment. I just want that control. I want him to act exactly how I would have him act because that's the easy way out.

I think many parents would agree to feeling like this at some point in life. It's pretty easy to control them(tantrums and all) until they turn 6 or 7 and can suddenly make decisions and start arguing with or pointing out your mistakes. But mind control still works for many parents for years. I want Ethan to be himself but I also want him to be a copy of me.

Controlling his mind isn't really what I want. The world needs Ethan. Now if I'm really honest with myself, I'd admit the end goal of parenting is for Ethan to one day be free and independent from me, able to make wise decisions, and seek to love others. I don't want him to be a copy of my prideful, selfish, and typically argumentative self. But when I take the easy way, practicing mind control because it's simply easier, I often find myself creating a mini-me, and that monster scares the heebeegeebees out of me. I've shut down his mind and set mine up as resident - it's a fearsome sight.

Leading someone is much harder than just controlling them. It means investing more time, more emotion, more struggle. It means working together through personality differences and loving the person through the flaws and errors and sin. It's showing God's grace in the midst of disappointment.

Many days I try and lead my son. But often I realize I just want to control his mind.

A frightening moment of self-insight for my day but so important to remember when I'm tired of leading.