Letter to My Daughter - Book Review

I'm part of this book club with some church ladies, but I've never been. I'm probably the slackest member of that group as in they may not even know I exist. I have, however, looked at the book list and read a few of the books. The last book of the season is Letter to My Daughter by Maya Angelou. I don't know what I expected, but it's a quick, impressive read. I told Tyler he should read it, though he's not a daughter, because it is so easy. The chapters are short and to the point, and an ADD reader could get through it zippy quick.

That isn't to say it doesn't have content though. Angelou's short chapters each come with a punch in them. If you aren't careful, you'll find yourself captivated and emotionally involved in the saga.

I love how Angelou combines philosophy, stories, poetry, and history into her book. Each chapter reminded me of a little antidote you may hear from an older, wiser individual. This would make sense considering Angelou's history growing up in Arkansas and then San Francisco in the 30's and 40's.

Letter to My Daughter encapsulates so many of the hard lessons Angelou has learned in a world of hate, crime, discrimination, and love. I loved it.

Favorite Quotes -

"The epitome of sophistication is utter simplicity."

"Since life is our most precious gift,/ And since it is given to use to live but once,/ Let us so live that we will not regret/ Years of uselessness and inertia."

Happier at Home - Book Review

So, here is the deal on Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin. It cultivated a contemplative mentality about my attitude in life. I really enjoyed this aspect of the book. I liked all of the active things she did. She would come up with specific, detailed directions to help her in her search for happiness, especially related to her home life.

I think my favorite aspect was about possessions and time. I liked that she felt items should only be in a home if they are beautiful or useful. I need to follow this rule pronto. She also suggested that there is no time like the present, which I agree with in theory but rarely enact on a daily basis. It's true - "these are the good old days."

A good quote
"Also, I suffered from the persistent delusion that once I got through the next three or four months, things would slow down. "I'll have more time during the holidays - or after the holidays - or once the summer's here." I'd promised myself, over and over. But things never slowed down. If I wanted a feeling of unhurriedness, I would have to create it now." - pg. 133

So here is the rub. I felt like her arguments and ideas lacked absolute-ism. I know the book is an example of what she did to seemingly make herself happy and technically I should create my own happiness project, but most of the things she did I probably wouldn't do. So while I enjoyed reading it, there were moments where the description went on too long because I wasn't interested in that particular topic. Most of the things she did wouldn't make me feel happy, and while she argues it's not about feeling happy, I wouldn't enjoy a miniature art project hidden in my kitchen cabinet. I have too many dishes for that.

And it's not just that I wasn't always enraptured by her words, but I also don't feel like she was truly happy either. Very often she would admit her failure to carry out her ideals. She would get behind, get discouraged, and while I'm glad she was honest about it, I also think she is seeking to "feel" happy ultimately without actually being happy. She encourages the reader to find their own happiness, but really I didn't feel like her example led to lifelong happiness, but just to keep creating and fulfilling more goals, an endless cycle that can never be completed.

She has some great points. You cannot make anyone else happy. True.

I don't agree with all her points. I don't believe we alone can make ourselves happy and that focusing on ourselves makes us happy. She says, "we all have to find happiness for ourselves," but I don't think that's within the human realm. We aren't self-sufficient in anything. Sometimes we even need help blowing our noses. We are that needy. She also suggests that a feeling of control is a very important aspect of happiness. A feeling of control can be very misleading. Very often, we may feel in control, but not actually be in control at all. So that false feeling makes us happy? This seems like a nice idea, but none one chose which family to be born in to, none of us chose as to whether or not our boss would hire us or if the stock market would crash. We aren't really in control. So even if I feel like I am, that sense of happiness is a delusion and not something I can put my faith and hope in.

Don't get me wrong, being motivated to be proactive and accomplish goals is positive. But as for it leading to eternal happiness? I'm not convinced.

Just so I'm not a complete Debbie Downer, here are a couple of practical to-do's, which I enjoy and hope to accomplish.
- A door or drawer should be easy to close
- Replace a lightbulb or toilet paper roll right away
- Someplace, keep an empty shelf; someplace, keep a junk drawer

Check out the online Book Club I'm participating in thanks to My Pretty Pennies.

Lately.

It's been a few weeks. I won't apologize. It's not that I haven't been thinking about what to blog and when to blog it. I have, but the posts just haven't materialized.

I'll be honest. I've been struggling with stress and anxiety. It's starting to take a physical toll on my body, too. I've started clenching and grinding my teeth, which I think I did before, but now I'm waking up with a sore jaw. Also, my hair has started falling out, and I have a bald spot (No, I will not show it to you). The hair issue started in Fall '11, but has continued to get worse over time.

It sounds awful, I get married and suddenly I'm stressed and my hair is falling out. But, it's not Tyler's fault. It's mine.

Instead of dealing with any of the stress of the last 10 years, I've compartmentalized it. It's all still jumping around in rooms in my brain, waiting for the door to be opened the slightest amount, and then all of the events and circumstances come flooding back. I find myself an angry person.

My only response emotion is anger. I rarely am excited or surprised by anything. If I'm responding to someone else, I typically feel anger. Don't get me wrong, I still love going to do fun things but my emotions are more diminished than they should be/could be.

Poor Tyler.

Since I've finally realized it, it's time for me to work through everything. It's time for me to embrace pain, loneliness, grief, and fear. Hopefully then, I can move through it and past it.

I'm ready.

Also, this is my favorite picture lately. I love these two guys and their relationship together. Just recently, during E's spring break, my dad taught him to whittle, to drive the tractor on his own, and to take apart a carburetor.

Meet Puppy Walt

Walt and Me

Currently, I'm sitting on my couch, typing away on my iPad, taking small sips of my coffee and putting the mug down without a sound. A few minutes ago it took me 7 minutes to start a load of laundry because I tried to adapt to my kitty's ability to move with silent stealth.

Why all of this quiet? The puppy is asleep.

If he was awake, there is no way I would be writing this blog. In fact, I've even considered crating him for an hour or so to get some work done around the house. I know some would chastise me for it, saying I am an awful puppy mom, but work has got to be done.

We've had Walt/Walter/Walt Whitman for 2 weeks now. Last week, I said to E, as he was chomping through his waffle, that we'd had Walt 1 week, and he stopped mid-chew and looked at me with awe.

"It's only been 1 week?" Even at 2 weeks, I still feel the same way.

It seems like yesterday that my friend, Anna, and I drove up to Statesville and brought home this ball of fluff. This ball of fluff that has grown in the 2 week we've had him. He is now 10 lbs and eats like a hog. He also chews on everything. It seems like we just got him and yet it seems as if our life has always been like this.

Some things we've learned in the last 2 weeks:
1. We understand why homeowners don't want to rent a house to someone with a pet. If we weren't so careful, Walt would chew up everything, but he hasn't chewed anything yet. He did attempt to chew the tile floor in the kitchen, which was laughable. I stopped him merely for his own sake.
2. Puppies are sad their first night away from their parents/siblings and cry all night long, preventing anyone in the house from sleeping.
3. Praise works best. Food too.
4. When in doubt, take them out. Walt hasn't had an accident since last Thursday.
5. Watch out for tiny feet when going out the back door. Poor Walty got his foot stuck in the door and we had serious confusion about whether or not he was ok. My thoughts? "Great, we've had the dog 4 days and have already broken him."
6. E and Walt are BFFs.
7. By the time 10 pm rolls around, Tyler and I are exhausted.

But Walt is so cute that all of it is worth it. He is so much fun in moments when he's not biting my pants, shoes, socks, fingers, face, etc., and we are so thrilled to have him. I'm pumped for the day when he's big enough and vaccinated, so I can take him running with me.

Let's Be Honest - Self-Image and Body Type

"What if in 2013 we decided to fast not from food but from body-talk? Sure---hit the gym, eat the Paleo diet, run six miles a day, wear Spanx from neck to knee. Just stop talking about it. Stop telling your friend she looks skinny---instead tell her you love her sweet spirit. Choose compliments that spur her to pursue that which lasts instead of that which certainly does not. If someone comments on your own shape, say thanks and change the subject. Banish body-talk to the same list of off-limits topics as salaries, name-dropping, and colonoscopies. Apply the discipline you use to work out to controlling your tongue. Do this for your sisters, and by the grace of God, we could begin a legacy of womanhood that celebrates character over carb-avoidance, godliness over glamour. - From "New Year, New Self-Control" by Jen Wilkin

A few of my friends posted a link to this blog in January (or late December), and I just recently read it again. This message is perfect for the months heading into summer. I feel like this is the time when people are on their bikini diets, hoping to shed a few pounds before they're forced to step foot on the beach in a "comfortable," skimpy bathing suit. I don't think many bathing suits could be called more than skimpy.

It's just so easy to let conversation casually fall into the realm of body-image and dieting. I admittedly love to talk on the subject, especially if it's guised under the pseudonym "exercise." I can talk about exercising all day and how much I enjoy running, but it's really body-image and how I view myself that I'm probably thinking of.

This is why it's one of my goals in this season not to mention my body or anyone else's for a while. I'm sure I'll fail, but I really would like to make this a way of living. If I focus on the more important things, like personality, interests, family, friends, what we're learning about work, ourselves, etc, then I can encourage a friend much more than if I mention her body.

I remember back when I actively struggled with my body-image (I still do, but I don't usually take unhealthy action against body fat anymore, thankfully), if someone commented on how good I looked, it reinforced the idea that I was doing the right thing. I wasn't giving my body exactly what it needed to function well, but I was getting compliments on how great I looked, so I should obviously keep on with the self-deprivation. I'm sure the people who told me I looked great had no clue what they were encouraging, but it was true for me nonetheless.

I never want to be responsible for encouraging anyone else in that way. Our words and make and break other people. And a topic like body-image and dieting, especially for women, is a drug.

On the flip side, I think if someone is struggling with body-image issues, they feel more comfortable talking about it with a friend who doesn't always comment on their body but instead focuses on hobbies, interests, and life. That's the kind of friend I would prefer to be.

I'm glad he won't remember this...

Spring Picture Day 2013 - My favorite Boy

One of the things I've found that really knocks me out of my comfort zone is the phrase, "I'm glad they won't remember this..."

I usually hear it in reference to parents disagreeing over child-rearing tactics while their kids are still crawling, drooling, and oblivious.

But it's one of the many things I can never utter. E will always remember.

Being an 8-year-old, he is currently gathering memories and feelings to keep forever. I don't remember specifics about being eight. I'm sure I could come up with some stories, especially if I had my memory jogged by looking at awkwardly awesome photographs from the 90's. However, if I think back to my childhood, I can definitely remember when my parents argued, how much they argued (thankfully not that much), and how it was resolved or wasn't. I especially remember the feeling I felt when they didn't get along perfectly.

Keeping that in mind, I assume that arguments Tyler and I have will be logged in his memory, and whether he remembers them specifically or remembers the feelings he felt when we argued, it doesn't matter.

I want Tyler and I to suddenly be able to disagree with each other, argue well, never lose our temper, and quickly make-up with much grace and forgiveness, for our own sake as well as E's sake.

How Tyler and I respond to each other will influence how E responds to us. We don't have 3-4 years of parenting before our child remembers what we say or the general tone of the household. We have a child who says, "Please get along," when we barely discuss things and aren't even upset with each other or offended.

It's also problematic if we just get along to get along. If we disagree on something and don't address it in front of E, but only wait until later to discuss, then he will never learn conflict resolution. If we resolve our conflict, he will learn how to resolve conflict as well.

If we just put it off until later, when he's sound asleep in his renovated attic bedroom, then he misses out on great opportunities to learn. But I know there is a fine line in him seeing conflict resolution and him seeing my own anger and control-freak issues coming to light when Tyler parents differently (and obviously incorrectly) from my own preferences.

If I don't show Tyler respect, E will never show Tyler respect. E follows what I model.

So the newly-wed, quick goals for parenting are:
1. When disagreement arises, if the material is suitable, let E hear some disagreement
2. Make sure if E does hear disagreement, to resolve is ASAP (also in front of him)
3. If I don't agree with Tyler's decision-making at all in regard to E, zip my lip and save it so E will respect Tyler(this is the hardest by far)
4. Love, Mercy, Grace, Forgiveness, Sympathy, Compassion - These are words to live out daily as I interact with my family. They are words I hope my family will remember when interacting with me.

10 Years Ago

After reading, "What Alice Forgot" by Liane Moriarty, I'm left considering how people change and what 10 years can do to how we act.

It's frightening to think that in 10 years my values and daily habits could have changed so much as to seem like a completely different person, maybe even a person I wouldn't enjoy being around or having as a friend.

Would you want to be your own friend? Would you trust yourself with all your secrets and emotions?

I'm not sure if I'd want to be my own friend, but I'm thankful for all of the people who do. I honestly don't know that I'll have changed that much in 10 years.

But then I think back to 10-years-ago, when I was 17, and I realize how my life and habits have changed since then.

10-years-ago I didn't drink coffee, I didn't exercise regularly, I consumed entirely too much meat and not nearly enough nutrients. I ate a pack of crackers and half an apple for lunch, and I often bought Grandma's cookies from the cafeteria at school.

10-years-ago I wasn't thankful for friends or family. I took everything for granted and planned my future as if I knew exactly what would happen and when. As Tom Hawkes said this past Sunday, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."

I probably still take most things for granted, but I've come so far as to be aware that I do so and hope to be more thankful daily.

While I wonder if 10 years could change me that much, 9-years-ago my life was changed as I was 18-years-old and pregnant during my senior year of high school.

8-years-old I became an adult. My values changed, my goals changed, I knew I had no control over anything. I no longer hoped for a regular college experience. I no longer hoped to travel abroad as an exchange student or live in Europe for a few years. I just hoped to be self-sustaining for E and myself.

So when I think about it in retrospect, I know I could be dramatically different as I get closer to 40, but I hope that unlike Alice's character in "What Alice Forgot," I won't be a horrendous, overachiever soccer mom who has no joy in life but controlling and over-managing her children's lives, friends, mothers, and events.

Only by the grace of God...

How much have you changed in 10 years?

By the way, I really want to start packing lunches this way.