Let's Be Honest - Self-Image and Body Type

"What if in 2013 we decided to fast not from food but from body-talk? Sure---hit the gym, eat the Paleo diet, run six miles a day, wear Spanx from neck to knee. Just stop talking about it. Stop telling your friend she looks skinny---instead tell her you love her sweet spirit. Choose compliments that spur her to pursue that which lasts instead of that which certainly does not. If someone comments on your own shape, say thanks and change the subject. Banish body-talk to the same list of off-limits topics as salaries, name-dropping, and colonoscopies. Apply the discipline you use to work out to controlling your tongue. Do this for your sisters, and by the grace of God, we could begin a legacy of womanhood that celebrates character over carb-avoidance, godliness over glamour. - From "New Year, New Self-Control" by Jen Wilkin

A few of my friends posted a link to this blog in January (or late December), and I just recently read it again. This message is perfect for the months heading into summer. I feel like this is the time when people are on their bikini diets, hoping to shed a few pounds before they're forced to step foot on the beach in a "comfortable," skimpy bathing suit. I don't think many bathing suits could be called more than skimpy.

It's just so easy to let conversation casually fall into the realm of body-image and dieting. I admittedly love to talk on the subject, especially if it's guised under the pseudonym "exercise." I can talk about exercising all day and how much I enjoy running, but it's really body-image and how I view myself that I'm probably thinking of.

This is why it's one of my goals in this season not to mention my body or anyone else's for a while. I'm sure I'll fail, but I really would like to make this a way of living. If I focus on the more important things, like personality, interests, family, friends, what we're learning about work, ourselves, etc, then I can encourage a friend much more than if I mention her body.

I remember back when I actively struggled with my body-image (I still do, but I don't usually take unhealthy action against body fat anymore, thankfully), if someone commented on how good I looked, it reinforced the idea that I was doing the right thing. I wasn't giving my body exactly what it needed to function well, but I was getting compliments on how great I looked, so I should obviously keep on with the self-deprivation. I'm sure the people who told me I looked great had no clue what they were encouraging, but it was true for me nonetheless.

I never want to be responsible for encouraging anyone else in that way. Our words and make and break other people. And a topic like body-image and dieting, especially for women, is a drug.

On the flip side, I think if someone is struggling with body-image issues, they feel more comfortable talking about it with a friend who doesn't always comment on their body but instead focuses on hobbies, interests, and life. That's the kind of friend I would prefer to be.

I'm glad he won't remember this...

Spring Picture Day 2013 - My favorite Boy

One of the things I've found that really knocks me out of my comfort zone is the phrase, "I'm glad they won't remember this..."

I usually hear it in reference to parents disagreeing over child-rearing tactics while their kids are still crawling, drooling, and oblivious.

But it's one of the many things I can never utter. E will always remember.

Being an 8-year-old, he is currently gathering memories and feelings to keep forever. I don't remember specifics about being eight. I'm sure I could come up with some stories, especially if I had my memory jogged by looking at awkwardly awesome photographs from the 90's. However, if I think back to my childhood, I can definitely remember when my parents argued, how much they argued (thankfully not that much), and how it was resolved or wasn't. I especially remember the feeling I felt when they didn't get along perfectly.

Keeping that in mind, I assume that arguments Tyler and I have will be logged in his memory, and whether he remembers them specifically or remembers the feelings he felt when we argued, it doesn't matter.

I want Tyler and I to suddenly be able to disagree with each other, argue well, never lose our temper, and quickly make-up with much grace and forgiveness, for our own sake as well as E's sake.

How Tyler and I respond to each other will influence how E responds to us. We don't have 3-4 years of parenting before our child remembers what we say or the general tone of the household. We have a child who says, "Please get along," when we barely discuss things and aren't even upset with each other or offended.

It's also problematic if we just get along to get along. If we disagree on something and don't address it in front of E, but only wait until later to discuss, then he will never learn conflict resolution. If we resolve our conflict, he will learn how to resolve conflict as well.

If we just put it off until later, when he's sound asleep in his renovated attic bedroom, then he misses out on great opportunities to learn. But I know there is a fine line in him seeing conflict resolution and him seeing my own anger and control-freak issues coming to light when Tyler parents differently (and obviously incorrectly) from my own preferences.

If I don't show Tyler respect, E will never show Tyler respect. E follows what I model.

So the newly-wed, quick goals for parenting are:
1. When disagreement arises, if the material is suitable, let E hear some disagreement
2. Make sure if E does hear disagreement, to resolve is ASAP (also in front of him)
3. If I don't agree with Tyler's decision-making at all in regard to E, zip my lip and save it so E will respect Tyler(this is the hardest by far)
4. Love, Mercy, Grace, Forgiveness, Sympathy, Compassion - These are words to live out daily as I interact with my family. They are words I hope my family will remember when interacting with me.

10 Years Ago

After reading, "What Alice Forgot" by Liane Moriarty, I'm left considering how people change and what 10 years can do to how we act.

It's frightening to think that in 10 years my values and daily habits could have changed so much as to seem like a completely different person, maybe even a person I wouldn't enjoy being around or having as a friend.

Would you want to be your own friend? Would you trust yourself with all your secrets and emotions?

I'm not sure if I'd want to be my own friend, but I'm thankful for all of the people who do. I honestly don't know that I'll have changed that much in 10 years.

But then I think back to 10-years-ago, when I was 17, and I realize how my life and habits have changed since then.

10-years-ago I didn't drink coffee, I didn't exercise regularly, I consumed entirely too much meat and not nearly enough nutrients. I ate a pack of crackers and half an apple for lunch, and I often bought Grandma's cookies from the cafeteria at school.

10-years-ago I wasn't thankful for friends or family. I took everything for granted and planned my future as if I knew exactly what would happen and when. As Tom Hawkes said this past Sunday, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."

I probably still take most things for granted, but I've come so far as to be aware that I do so and hope to be more thankful daily.

While I wonder if 10 years could change me that much, 9-years-ago my life was changed as I was 18-years-old and pregnant during my senior year of high school.

8-years-old I became an adult. My values changed, my goals changed, I knew I had no control over anything. I no longer hoped for a regular college experience. I no longer hoped to travel abroad as an exchange student or live in Europe for a few years. I just hoped to be self-sustaining for E and myself.

So when I think about it in retrospect, I know I could be dramatically different as I get closer to 40, but I hope that unlike Alice's character in "What Alice Forgot," I won't be a horrendous, overachiever soccer mom who has no joy in life but controlling and over-managing her children's lives, friends, mothers, and events.

Only by the grace of God...

How much have you changed in 10 years?

By the way, I really want to start packing lunches this way.

What Alice Forgot - Book Review

Image from Goodreads

It's been a while since I've read a modern fiction story that hasn't been cheapened by references to Facebook and internet drama. Well, this isn't entirely true as I rarely read this type of fiction, but it is true I haven't really adapted to techno-savvy literature. I prefer the ideal, pre-internet works that remind me of better days when life was real.

However, What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty refreshed my view of relatively new fiction, and I was surprised how much I enjoyed the story.

While I'm describing the book, don't be surprised if you think it sounds cheesy and lame. I felt the same way while describing the book to my mother-in-law. As I outlined the plot, I found myself thinking, "Glory, I've lost my sense of quality literature and a critical mind. Come back, grad school, come back!"

But then, after careful thought about this book review, I decided there really were some great qualities to What Alice Forgot that rose above and beyond my expectations for modern literature in a seemingly shallow world.

What Alice Forgot is the story of a woman who woke up after a seemingly-epic gym accident and had lost the last 10 years of her memory. She was really a 39-year-old mother of three but believed she was 29 and pregnant with her first daughter (Yes, it sounds lame.).

But, it's wasn't lame. Moriarty revives this cliche amnesiac type of literature as she creates a very defined line between 29-year-old Alice and 39-year-old Alice. I think one of the things I liked most about the book was how the book challenged me to think through how much a person's habits, preferences, daily activities, and priorities can change within a 10-year period.

I really related with the 29-year-old Alice (shocker, right?) but was also frightened by how serious I am in comparison to over-achiever 39-year-old Alice. I probably relate more to the 39-year-old Alice minus the soccer-mom, PTA President, Control Freak aspect. Ok, I am a control freak, but I try and maintain a subtle control freak mentality instead of a take the bull by the horns, stand on top of the mountain control freak. But the juxtaposition created between the 2 characters, even though they were the same person, was the best.

1998 Alice is naive and giggly, taking in the sensory elements of her life and responding with random, witty reparte.

I like the dialogue between Alice and her young daughter, who Alice couldn't remember. Her daughter claims to be sick and asks Alice how to get well. Alice's response: "You should do a cartwheel. That will cure you." Of course, her daughter could do a perfect cartwheel. It was a nice fun-mom moment.

I also liked how I was kept guessing about this Gina character and what happened with her/Alice's husband, Nick/Alice. I won't reveal the true situation, obviously, but I definitely tracked along with Alice's guesses. It was almost as if the reader recovers from amnesia along with Alice.

One of the random things about the novel was how the story was primarily about Alice, but Alice's sister and "grandmother" also had their own chapters and narration in the form of letters to a psychologist and old fiance, respectively. At first, I didn't track with these narrations, but as the story unfolded, I found them essential to understanding the meaning of relationships and how communication plays a role in shaping our lives, for good or for bad, especially in the lives of women.

One more thing about What Alice Forgot. I thought the Lemon Meringue Pie situation was one of the weirdest things I've ever read in a novel. It definitely proved the craziness of 2008 Alice but almost seemed too much. Do PTA's really do crazy stuff like that? Can 10 years really change a person that much? You'll have to let me know if you read it. It was amusing nonetheless.

Favorite quote from What Alice Forgot:

"They would think she was savoring the taste (blueberries, cinnamon, cream – excellent), but she was actually savoring the whole morning, trying to catch it, pin it down, keep it safe before all those precious moments became yet another memory."

On the road to a gluten-free, artificial-coloring free, dairy-free life

Goodbye, Wheat Bread! 

I've known since E was 2-weeks-old that lactose was not a friend of his stomach. For the first year of his life I abstained from any lactose digestion for the sake of nursing and my desire for sleep at night without a screaming baby with a squalling stomach.

But in the last year, it's become apparent that E's stomach not only doesn't like lactose, it doesn't seem to like processed, gluten-filled anything or artificial colors and preservatives. I think in the last month, we've had maybe 2 days where he hasn't complained about his stomach.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

I guess our time has been coming for a while now. E never gets sick. He's never had the flu, strep-throat, or even an ear infection.

So it's not surprise that his issues come in the form of food allergies and their influence over his ability to have a happy stomach and to be calm.

I won't complain about it because I've been reminded so recently about the fragility of life and how thankful I am for a healthy, capable child.

However, we will face challenges as we enter into this new era of dietary restriction, and I'd be lying if I said I looked forward to it, especially when it comes to going out to eat and dining with other families and friends. Don't forget the lunch box. Packing a lunch box can be a difficult thing on a gluten-free diet.

Any suggestions? I've been scouring the Gluten Free Girl blog and A Girl Defloured blog.

Love To Hate

Image Link

"Love To Hate"

A few semesters back, one of my students had this tattooed on her wrist. I'm not really sure exactly why she chose this particular phrase, though I think it had something to do with a relationship in her life that she loved and hated at the same time.

However, I was struck by her choice to use the phrase "love to hate" because it shows great wisdom into how we view many of our relationships. I'm not suggesting to go out and tattoo that on your wrist, but I do think her tattoo brings up a good point.

In general, it's easy to be a bad friend. It's easy to love our friends so much and then judge them behind their backs, even if it's just in our mind. This is especially the case with friends who own more material possessions than we do.

When a friend gets a new car, necklace, or a trip to France, we say, "Love it!" We ogle over their trinket, we look up tours for them to take on their trip and tell them how much we love everything about the gift, trip, or house decor. This kind of ogling is especially easy with Facebook.

But the truth is, our love isn't always sincere. Sometimes we only "love" this friend because we desire to be like them. This isn't real love at all. This is idolizing a friend. We put them on a pedestal, hoping to be like this friend one day or have the things they do. We are not a true friend.

When it turns out we aren't like that friend, when we don't get that raise, when our husband doesn't get that new job with business perks and a nice salary, then we're jealous because we don't have what our friends do. We're jealous because we'll have to skip out on the fancy dinner, the matching BMW's, the trips abroad.

We don't have what they do, and we deserve is just as much, right?

Our culture tells us because we were born American, we are inherently entitled to certain blessings and small fortunes. But our culture is wrong.

This particular issue is a challenge for me because Tyler and I are still in the beginning of building our marriage. We are newly weds on one hand, but on the other we have an 8-year-old and hopes of more children sooner rather than later. So it's easy to look at our friends without kids, both working full-time, making plenty of money and compare ourselves. It's easy to look at our friends with plenty of kids, many years of marriage under the belt, with established lives and homes, and feel the same pangs. We're kind of in a category of our own, which has always been the case for E and Me, and now Tyler too.

But by no means are we alone. It's easy for anyone to look at others, because someone else will always have more than we do, and judge their lives.

If I find a beautiful kitchen in a magazine, I want it and love it. But if my friend actually has that kitchen from the magazine and hasn't gone into serious debt to get it, it's easy to judge the kitchen as extravagant and unnecessary. I may even go as far as to think she's wasteful with her money.

But I'm at fault here. I want to truly love my friends. I never want to judge them because I'm really jealous of what they have. The truth is, Tyler and I have more than we deserve. We are blessed and provided for daily.

A heart of jealousy and judgement is one without any thanks.

Also, see my new page, "READ" - I'm channeling the powers of the READ posters by the American Library Association. You know, the ones with famous celebrities you used to see on the walls of your library. It's my booklist for 2013. It will say what I'm currently reading, plan to read, and have already read.